I understand one thing, I try too hard

February 2013, 5 years already? maybe. This problem haunt me, unexpectedly.

Everyone thinks I'm a strong girl, but there is no such things as a strong person. Every person laugh, every person cry, every person has their own problem. The differences is just how they express it. I don't like showing my emotion to anyone, I don't like people see my weaknesses, I don't like people see me crying, and the problem is I never think I have a problem. People make me angry, and in seconds I forgive them, but in the other hand I can't forget the pain they caused to me.

Up until now, I still can't forget how they betrayed me, how they lied to me, how they blame everything to me. The pain haunts me, yet I didn't realized it till now. I always think everything is fine, I can do this, and I can go through all of this. But, no.

Unexpectedly, I let my tears fall down a lot without realizing what is really happened to me. Recently, I can't eat anymore, I feel so stressed and feels like having a heavy, heavy burden. I don't understand what happened exactly.

But now I understand.
I try too hard.
I try too much.
I can't slow down.

But I know, I don't have much options. If I didn't get myself busy, those pains will haunt me again, and again. I can't slow down, or else I will found myself depressed. I don't know what should I do, I don't know what exactly I want.

I know, I can go through this. I shouldn't let myself stop, I shouldn't let myself down. Maybe I still can't found the answer but I will continue to walk.

Keep smile ! Keep positive ! Life is a process !

Pain and tears, trial and error

These days, I taste a lot of bitter experience. In such a short span of time, failed a lot in various field.

It's already four years since my body gotten this weak. How much I blame myself for my own condition. I never can forget the night I spent with pain and tears. Just how much it hurts me that I can't be as active as I was in the past. Entering my third year of university, I realized that I missed a lot of things. I didn't enter any clubs, I only have a little circle by my own, and this kind of condition can't satisfy myself.

"I wish to live a life with the attitude of never to compromise and give in to myself. "
A word that I keep on my head. I promise to myself that I won't compromise with anything. I won't let myself keep this weak anymore. I don't really care if my body crushed anytime. I'm a strong girl, heart and body, yesterday, now, tomorrow, and always. (And thanks for someone who said that words, actually, it save my heart a lot. Only if I can thanked you in person :') )

Bitter experience came up a lot since the time I decide to be strong. I failed a lot in various field. I try this, failed. I try that, failed. I choose this, wrong. I can't said this as a "problem", since it's not really a problem itself. I feel so disappointed of myself, I feel so frustrated. I already done my best, and I still failed. Not in one thing, but a lot of things.

I'm now at the point where I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know what is my specialty.  I didn't know which road I should take.
I can do nothing. I feel so weak. It seems like this is not myself. 

In such a short span of time, a lot of things happened.  Bitter, and of course, good thing happened too.
Yes, Life is trial and error process. Sometimes you need to be knocked down just to make you stand up higher. 
Life is the education process. Trial and error process. Up and down cycle.

Thinking positive. I got a lot of experience, very nice experience. Even that I was failed, I hope this won't let me down too much. I'm really sorry that I have such a roller-coaster mood.  Even I was cried, I can't cry too much because I know I should stand up and face all of it. Maybe, I'm not suited on 'these' fields and there will be MORE AND MORE AND MORE field I can get myself into it.
 
I hope, I can do better next time. 
Yes. I'm a strong girl, heart and body, yesterday, now, tomorrow, and always.

One week skipping class..

Hi! It feels like I have been not writing here for a long time (not true! ahaha)
I have been sick for a week, the usual asthma and high fever plus cough and flu. I decided to not go to the university because of that sickness. It is funny when I know my friend think I'm on vacation to Japan for a week so I'm not going to class, but seriously, I'm sick and can do nothing :-S

On saturday and sunday (02/04-05), I went to a trip with my university friends. It called "makrab" in indonesian language. Makrab is a trip to make senior and freshman (or senpai-kohai) relationship get more friendly each other. We do a lot of games together, and a lot more. I will write a review about that later, because the games on it is really fun.

As you know, asthma can be triggered by a lot of thing like cold weather, the drastic change of weather, dust, smoke, animal's fur, and a lot of thing. On that time, I was not sleep and we are doing a late night outdoor games and it was reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally cold. I'm shivering like crazy even I'm really enjoy late night outdoor games because I can see night sky clearly. I love night sky ♥ the stars and moon is really beautiful. I really enjoy my time discovering the stars by using Google Sky Map. At that time, I don't feel any strange and was very healthy, but when I arrived at home, I got a very high fever so I decided to sleep a lot because I still have class on Tuesday. But, the fever got worsen and my asthma come too. Worst feeling. Summary, I'm skipping class for about one week.

In that condition, I only sleep on my room, spending my time watching drama from my laptop. And I thing I will finished all of my draft on this blog so maybe there will be a lot of new post. I hope you can enjoy reading my writing. Hope I can recover soon, the medicine is really a lot and taste bad （笑）

Bonus. This is the place I went to makrab. It was on Bogor. The place is really interesting, it used to be a place when a marine take test to be a professional marine, so there is a boat on a mountain ♪

Maybe this asthma will kill me someday...

I don't know what to do. Everything seems so wrong. 
This case already happened since monday (11/21) and tomorrow is Friday (11/25)
I'm afraid to sleep because everytime I wake up, my asthma will come again.
But if I'm not sleep, the asthma can be worsen.

And this medicine is stupid. There is no expired date on it, I mean, no expired year.
It is only "Nov10A19/nov15", oh cmon, is it 10 november or november 15 from what year to what year?? 

I dont understand what that code mean. I'm not a medical student =___=
It is already 11 pm here, no one can take me to any 24 hours drug store..
Ah,  I dont care. I just drink the tablet of this medicine.
My asthma got reduced but now my chest is really hurt, my cough did not reduced even a bit.
Ahahahaha stupid.

I have english presentation tomorrow but I dont caaaaare~
Well.. lets have arashi medley till morning come! xD

Holiday Come--!

 Hi all~ Long time not see, ne  ♪


Berakhirnya ujian menandakan liburan telah tiba. Persetan dengan IP AAHAHAHAHAHAH *tawa tuan putri bersuara sopran* *ngakak sendiri* (≧▽≦) Nggak usah mikirin IP sampe nanti ngisi KRS <--- mahasiswa pemalas.

Liburan kali ini, nggak kemana-mana. Sama kayak liburan-liburan sebelumnya, dihabiskan dirumah dan pacaran sama obat dari dokter (atau sama dokternya hayooo hahahaha). Minggu pertama UAS, aku ngaku kalau aku ngeforsir diri sampai nggak tidur beberapa hari untuk membuat program untuk ujian programming dan saat diujiankan, program itu GATOT alias gagal total （>□<）sedih dan kesel tapi ya apa boleh buat, lain kali harus lebih berusaha!! ★ Dan karena itulah, minggu pertama berhasil dilewatkan dan minggu kedua langsung kena flu yang nggak sembuh2 karena diforsir lagi untuk ujian minggu kedua ( -_-)

Selepas ujian, akhirnya badan bener-bener tumbang （´・∀・｀） kupikir yaa, yasudahlah toh sudah liburan jadi bisa tidur di rumah. Beberapa hari kemudian, entah kenapa aku batuk-batuk terus, mending kalo batuknya biasa, ini batuknya bener-bener sakit sampe yang aku bisa cuma nangis. Udah gitu paru-paru suka tiba-tiba sakit kayak rasa ditusuk gitu. Yaaaa bisa ditebak ujungnya, aku ke sebuah rumah sakit di Depok daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan sayaa masuk UGD!! GREAT!! Mana ditanya-tanya sampe banyak banget pulaa *ketahuan dua orang itu kayaknya dokter magang deh* sampe akhirnya dokternya yang beneran dateng.

Pulang dari rumah sakit, aku langsung istirahat dan langsung minum obat karena udah bener-bener sakit itu leher dan paru-paru. Dan sampe sekarang masih suka begitu, bahkan setiap malem pun rasa itu suka kambuh ( iдi ) Aku takut kalo waktu udah berganti malam karena perasaan sakit itu terus muncul ( iдi )

Ada firasat kalo dua bulan lebih liburan ini bakal bener-bener dijalanin di rumah ( iдi )
Aaa demo, gambaranakya （>□<）
Gambatte atashi （>□<）

Ternyata gw sakit tipes..

karena gw gak sembuh-sembuh dari demam yang hampir seminggu itu, akhirnya gw ke dokter kemaren (22/05).

lagi pusing-pusing dan dalam keadaan belom mandi, gw diseret ke dokter. Dan sampai sana, ternyata dokternya juga blom mandi!! jadi si dokter kocak ini kan jaga malem dari jam 8 malem ampe jam 8 pagi, dan gw dateng jam 7 pagi, jadi yaa.. dia belom mandi. wkwkwkkwk

Selama meriksa berat and tensi darah, tuh dokter ngelawaaaak terus. Mau gamau gw jadi ikutan ngelawak. Masa gw dibilang muka boros, ngeseeeeeeelin banget!! Mana nyokap gw cuma ketawa-ketawa kecil.

Dokter: "Kerja dimana?"
Gw : "He?"
Ass.dokter: "Dok dok, liat umurnya dok"
Dokter: "Ah, masi 18. haha, maaf maaf"
Gw: *maaf2 palelu!!* "ya gitu dah dok"
Dokter: "Mukanya boros ya"
Gw: *sabar sabar* "biarin ah"
Nyokap: "Iya ya, tua ya mudaan muka saya"
Gw: "deh, narsis bener"

Abis percakapan aneh itu, gw ke ruang praktek dokter. Gw kadang suka aneh, ruang dokter kok pake AC? kan dingin, apalagi buat orang sakit! heu.. tuh AC bikin asma gw tambah parah.

Dokter: "Yaudah tiduran disitu, kita periksa"
Gw : *tiduran*
Dokter: "Dih siapa yg suru tiduran?"
Gw: "dih tadi kata dokter?"
Dokter: "oh iya, bener juga"
*sialan nih dokter minta ditabooook!!*

dengan sabaaaar banget gw jawabin smua pertanyaan tuh dokter. Nah abis itu gw diminta cek darah, soalnya kayaknya gw tipes. Yaudah deh gw upstair ke lab darah. Nunggu hasilnya lamaaaaa banget. Argh, untung gw masih smsan ama si pacar jadi ga bosen-bosen banget.

Abis hasil labnya keluar, gw balik lagi ke tuh dokter. Hasilnya positif tipus. Yaudah deh, dia nulis resep obat dan gw kedinginan di ruangan dia yang dingin ampun-ampunan. Trus katanya gw dirujuk ronsen soalnya suara paru-paru gw kayak flek paru-paru. Ooooh damn shit.

Obatnya banyak euy. Tapi kok ampe skarang panas demam gw gak turun2? Kayaknya emang kudu dirawar ama si pacar dulu deh :) *headshot*

Flu + asma + demam = neraka kecil

FLU.

Ya, gw flu nih. Ampe pusing ga keruan. Gara-gara bokap ngumpul-ngumpul sama temen-temennya, dan mereka ngerokok. Kamar gw langsung penuh sama asap.
Yaudah deh, semaput gw. Asma + Flu + Demam = neraka kecil.

Hari ini gw jadi gamasuk sekolah. Gapapa sih. Toh ujug-ujug juga dijengukin sama pacar. wkwkwk :)
Okeh. Abis dijengukin gw udah rada mendingan. Love power. *plakk*

Tapi! Tapi! Hari ini bokap gw bawa tamu lagi ke rumah. Shit.
Ngerokok lagi. Udah deh. Tambah semaput aja gw.