I am trying, believe me.

I am grateful to found you in my life, and let you helped me painted various colors to fix my ink-ruined pages. But I am not ready to be parted from your fragments.

... yes 

I know
we humans will never ever feel ready for anything.

20 facts..... err random things about me

Actually, I was tagged on instagram for #20factsaboutme about 2 months ago (wow!). To be honest, I don't see the point of writing a long post on instagram, so I decided to write it up here on my blog.

As the balloons reach the sky...

I missed you.

And the worst part is...

I can do nothing about it.

About dream...

So many doors of opportunity but you can't choose any of it.
You get stuck. Hit the same wall, again and again.
Just how many times I need to hit this wall until I found the right way to break it?

Sweet and Energetic Deredere? lol

Hi everyone ! Indonesia is hot and sunny as always, and I suddenly feels like a lazy cat. Yeah, the weather is way too hot and make me didn't want to step outside even a bit. Just me, bed, laptop, and the air conditioner. Phew.

Maybe you guys wondering why I post Orihime Inoue picture. The answer is a personality test I tried on the internet few days ago. You can find a lot of personality test in internet, it's fun anyway. (EDIT 9/16 : Too bad the quiz deleted recently) The test is about 'Dere personality. Check my result below !

Anyway, stop thinking and just do it

I've just finished watching Yowakutemo Katemasu 「弱くても勝てます～青志先生とへっぽこ高校球児の野望～」 episode 7 today. After the title, this drama focused on a very weak baseball team who struggles to win.   

The story begin when Tamo Aoshi (Ninomiya Kazunari) come to his almamater, Jotoku High School, as a teacher and eventually become Baseball Club coach. Jotoku High School is a prestigious private high school consists of intelligent people, but seems pretty laid-back because they let 3rd grade students to continue their club activities.

Painful, more than anything

Loving you, is painful. More than anything I could ever imagined.
Missing you, is excruciating.  More than any torment I ever known.
How I wish I could fall in love with someone else but you.

A binding chain, a tight and forceful red tie.
Counting the crazy ticks clock made with hours.
How I wish our time could entangled to each other.

Birthday Personality : 7 April

I got fever recently, I have a lot of free times so I browsed my own birthday. Since I only know one celebrity with same birthday with me, Jackie Chan, I would like to know other famous person with same birthday with me.  I browsed, read, and ..... I don't know most of them lmao.

Undimmed by time. Unbound by death.

Three years has passed since I saw your face.
I wonder if I come to you at night, in dreams.
In the day, as memories.
Do I haunted your hours the way you haunted mine?

And I wonder if you see me, when you look at her.
If we have souls, they are made of the love we share.
Undimmed by time.
Unbound by death.

-- Oblivion, 2013

Emotional abuse.

emotional abuse is when someone does something to hurt you, and when you express your feelings, that you’re upset, they turn it around to be something you did to hurt them and they force you to apologize for it, and your feelings, like always, are rendered invalid and silenced, forever damaging the ability to trust others with your feelings because they always are used against you.

....... HAPPENED A LOT.

If I live at Hogwartz...

Good morning ! er... good afternoon?

It was raining all night and morning was clouded with mist, big probability that I will sleep again for the second time. But no ! I went for a blog-walking today and found an interesting quiz again. This time I take a quiz from funasdodgeball[dot]com about what if I live at Hogwartz. You know about Hogwartz, don't you? It's a famous school from Harry Potter series. And here is my result:

 

First part of the result. Okay, a half-blood Griffindor. And wow ! Wolf patronus ! That would be cool ! But, my boyfriend is Draco Malfoy, seriously? LOL Well, I kinda love bad role but Draco please fix your hair, I don't like it. My best class is Defense Against Dark Arts, and I would love to be the seeker on Quidditch game *___*

 

Second part of the result. I can't help but laughing reading HP's comment, "Why she is interested in Malfoy I'll never know". Exactly ! Well, actually, some people told me the same (change Malfoy to my boyfriend name) xD

..... wait, why the game choose my name as 'Tiffany' ? xD
May I choose another name, please ? xD

I understand one thing, I try too hard

February 2013, 5 years already? maybe. This problem haunt me, unexpectedly.

Everyone thinks I'm a strong girl, but there is no such things as a strong person. Every person laugh, every person cry, every person has their own problem. The differences is just how they express it. I don't like showing my emotion to anyone, I don't like people see my weaknesses, I don't like people see me crying, and the problem is I never think I have a problem. People make me angry, and in seconds I forgive them, but in the other hand I can't forget the pain they caused to me.

Up until now, I still can't forget how they betrayed me, how they lied to me, how they blame everything to me. The pain haunts me, yet I didn't realized it till now. I always think everything is fine, I can do this, and I can go through all of this. But, no.

Unexpectedly, I let my tears fall down a lot without realizing what is really happened to me. Recently, I can't eat anymore, I feel so stressed and feels like having a heavy, heavy burden. I don't understand what happened exactly.

But now I understand.
I try too hard.
I try too much.
I can't slow down.

But I know, I don't have much options. If I didn't get myself busy, those pains will haunt me again, and again. I can't slow down, or else I will found myself depressed. I don't know what should I do, I don't know what exactly I want.

I know, I can go through this. I shouldn't let myself stop, I shouldn't let myself down. Maybe I still can't found the answer but I will continue to walk.

Keep smile ! Keep positive ! Life is a process !

Unforgettable Memory

Hello ! Long time not write here!

I was actually trying to write a journal everyday on my laptop, so sometimes I forgot to post here because I already write it on my journal. But, here I am ! Maybe no one will read it by the way *laugh* 2012 almost end. A lot of things happened this year. Do you think this year flow so fast? I mean, every year flow so fast. When we realized, it already about to end.

This year, I'm 20 years old. The most weird birthday I think. My ex-boyfriend gave me a birthday cake and birthday present, but actually I feel so weird and actually the present broke so fast. And the most weirdest part is, a lot of people I didn't know said happy birthday to me. A woman I didn't know even made me a birthday cake, a very delicious chocolate birthday cake. I feel weird, but I'm so grateful. A lot of person know me means my network expanded. I'm so grateful, thank you so much.

Okay, actually, I'm not going to talk about my birthday.

This happened last year, December 2011. I remember I wrote about it already, but well, anyway, I want to talk about it again. A special person to me going to play a piano. I'm not going to say his name, but he is a special person to me. When I heard he will play a piano, I feel so happy and sooooooooooo nervous on that time. I don't know why, but I'm so nervous. I don't know. I'm weird. I'm so worried, and so nervous. I'm trying to assure myself that he will make it.

And on the performance day, I was so worried waiting for him to perform (on tv). I know, he maybe already used with the pressure and television's working atmosphere. I think I'm stupid to be nervous about him, he is no one for me, not even a friend.  When he start to play the piano, my tears can't stop flowing. I didn't even realize what he song play and what song his friends sung, I just can't help but feel so relieved. I can't stop saying, "yokatta, it turns out good, yokatta..." . I'm so relieved. I'm sooo relieved. 

Okay. I'm stupid. I'm weird. I feel so nervous when someone, who didn't even know me, will perform. I still can't believe it that I cry and feel so relieved on that time. But I understand one thing, he was so special to me. That's why I care about him. I'm kinda relieved he wouldn't play the piano this year.

And this year, is the first and the last time I write a letter. Officially a love letter, which supposedly to be a thanks letter. And I stupidly sent it to him, stupid stupid stupid. I just realized that I write it as it's a love letter, not a thanks letter, one day after I sent it. That's kinda stupid. I hope it didn't reach him. I hope.

This year seems so special.
Hope I can try something new again next year.
Cheers !

Pain and tears, trial and error

These days, I taste a lot of bitter experience. In such a short span of time, failed a lot in various field.

It's already four years since my body gotten this weak. How much I blame myself for my own condition. I never can forget the night I spent with pain and tears. Just how much it hurts me that I can't be as active as I was in the past. Entering my third year of university, I realized that I missed a lot of things. I didn't enter any clubs, I only have a little circle by my own, and this kind of condition can't satisfy myself.

"I wish to live a life with the attitude of never to compromise and give in to myself. "
A word that I keep on my head. I promise to myself that I won't compromise with anything. I won't let myself keep this weak anymore. I don't really care if my body crushed anytime. I'm a strong girl, heart and body, yesterday, now, tomorrow, and always. (And thanks for someone who said that words, actually, it save my heart a lot. Only if I can thanked you in person :') )

Bitter experience came up a lot since the time I decide to be strong. I failed a lot in various field. I try this, failed. I try that, failed. I choose this, wrong. I can't said this as a "problem", since it's not really a problem itself. I feel so disappointed of myself, I feel so frustrated. I already done my best, and I still failed. Not in one thing, but a lot of things.

I'm now at the point where I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know what is my specialty.  I didn't know which road I should take.
I can do nothing. I feel so weak. It seems like this is not myself. 

In such a short span of time, a lot of things happened.  Bitter, and of course, good thing happened too.
Yes, Life is trial and error process. Sometimes you need to be knocked down just to make you stand up higher. 
Life is the education process. Trial and error process. Up and down cycle.

Thinking positive. I got a lot of experience, very nice experience. Even that I was failed, I hope this won't let me down too much. I'm really sorry that I have such a roller-coaster mood.  Even I was cried, I can't cry too much because I know I should stand up and face all of it. Maybe, I'm not suited on 'these' fields and there will be MORE AND MORE AND MORE field I can get myself into it.
 
I hope, I can do better next time. 
Yes. I'm a strong girl, heart and body, yesterday, now, tomorrow, and always.

Hello mr.Doppelganger

When destiny try to twist by itself.

Day by day, you come, and come, and come to my mind.
Again, again, and again. It's hard to brush you up from my heart.
Well hello mister doppelganger, can you please let me hear your words?




.
..
....
Okay, trying to be artistic with words. But, this is really words which illustrating what happened now to me. I try to address him as mister doppelganger for our 'same'-ness and 'opposite'-ness. I'm so thirst to talk to him, to hear his mind words. I don't know if I can categorize this as love, or just a simple adore.

I don't have particular type I want from a man. Just simple, brainy and older than me. I can't even see my university friends as 'a man' because I tend to see them as a person on the same age with me. Well, yes, even with the senior, I can't see them as 'a man', even if they can be categorized as a brainy man. Then ? What actually I search on a man? Nothing. Seriously. I can't and never feel love in the first sight. I should know him as my friend first. Yes, I don't have particular type but I'm a person who tend to be a fan of my boyfriend. If a man caught my attention, he will be "my type".

That's why... I think I adore this person in the first time. He is not even my friend or anything, he is just a man out of my range. He is so smart with his words, he put his friend first, he is attractive in my eyes. I'm so curious with all of the question piled up since I know him. Why we are so similar in a lot ways? Why we have something so opposite?

Day by day, my question piled up more and more.

Well, if we think about it closely, this is what human called about. Human completing each other. Similar things between humans, and the opposite things between humans. All of the human in this world like that. Do I really love him? Or it is just because I adore him, he always in my mind?

Because I think of him, I start to get off from my own track. Please get out from my head. I'm trying not to be jealous, because jealous can't give me anything. I can't help to cry out my frustration, I want to hear your voice so badly. Maybe I will cry in the time I see you. And with all of this proof, why I can't assure myself that I love you?

Dear myself, why you can't fall in love easily?

Dear mister on my mind...

What would you think if there is someone, separated more than 1000 miles from you, didn't know who you are, never meet you, and then he talk about the same thing like you, have same opinion like you, read something that you read, and this thing didn't happened once.

This person and me, how's the destiny will connect us? Are you a destined person? or a doppelganger? Or this is just a mere coincidence between us?

I do try to know this guy, I do my best. But if I had chance to meet him, there would be something that make me can't meet him. If I try to search for his contact, I always hit a wall and stop on his co-workers or his best friend and they would never told me his number.

The more I try to know this person, it feels more impossible. I feel so much wall between me and this guy, there is a lot of 'things' which didn't want me and this guy meet.  The more I try to know this person, the more I feel weird. There is a lot of same things we share, and there is a lot of differences too. 'Complete hte same' things, and 'complete opposite' things.

I want to try to talk with this guy.
I'm so curious with this guy.
Wonder if he feel the same?
I bet not, he didn't know me btw.

I want to believe that this is not the right time for us to meet.
Maybe there would be any perfect right time to meet, right? :-)

JLPT and ... *sigh*

Sunday, July 1, 2012. I'm going for JLPT test (nihongo noryokushiken). This is my first time taking JLPT so I'm so excited to go. I ready to go at about 8 am (test is 10 am), and take train. In the train, I do my morning routines like checking news, saying hi to people I talk the night before (I tend to slept in the middle of conv =P), and then I practicing kanji with one of my android application. I was so into my phone, sho when the train stop to a certain station, I panicked and went off from the train.

A little warm story :')

Around 5 pm, a big rain occur.
And then there is a complete electricity black out.

In the middle of big rain, I can heard a cry of cats.
It was a mother cat, searching for her daughter.
Because of the big rain, a little flood occur, around 30cm high.
The mother cat keep make a cry, panicking, searching for the little cat.

After a short time, the little cat's sounds appeared, and they keep calling each others.
Sometimes the little cat's sounds disappear, and the mother cat's panicking around.
It really breaks my heart :'(
Please don't die, little cats :'(

Now the rains has stopped, and I found the little cats on the other side of flood.
They now staring each others without making any sounds.
Even it's just a little flood, around 30cm high, the little cat can't go across.
I ask my brother to help the little cat to the mother, but the little cat afraid of my brother.
But at least, they already assuring themselves that they found each others :)

Now, I can only treasure this moment. The love between mother and her daughter.
Even it was a big rain, flood, and cold weather, this moment warm my heart :)
Only if I can picture this moment :')

Soranarumi.
7.30 pm.

This called.. destiny?

I always wonder what truly happened between us.
What is truly connected us? Song? Sky? Stars? ...or heart?

We never met. Well, I can see you anytime I want.
But you can't. Not "can't", but you didn't even know me.
I'm only the one of a lot of stars which admire you.
Is it love?

With all of this coincidences, I can't help wondering what kind of destiny we share.
The similarity between us, the difference between us.
They said, your destined person is either the one who is so much similar with you..
Or the one who is a double-side coin with you.

With all of this coincidences, I can't help wondering what kind of destiny we share.
The moment I know you is not just a coincidence, I start to think it was destiny.
What kind of path we will share?
What kind of string we will had?

 Life surely is a mystery.

soranarumi.
Sunday, April 1st, 2012.

Pathetic

I only can cry that I remember I already lost the chance, I know cry didn't solve anything.. time keep moving and I can't rewind it. It is already over and I only can say, "I'm happy for you.."

Why girls keep crying? Is it emotion? I know it can't solve anything but.. why this tears keep falling? I don't want to cry, I want to be happy because you are so happy today. It will be your memories for all of your time, so I want to be happy for you too.

I can't blame the person who make me lose the chance. I can't blame anyone but myself. I think it is okay to lose this chance, but when I know what happened today really make me hurt and happy in the same time..

The thread between us called destiny become so thin and thinner. I do not know how to keep contact with you anymore. I don't want to lose any connection between us. Loving you is so hurt, I know I can't have you but I can't stop fight for you.

Will god give me another chance again to meet you? I love you, I miss you, I want to meet you. I want to be your strength, I want to be your smile, I want to take away your sadness. Please.. please god, let him know I'm here.. convey my feeling to him.. let him know. I'm fighting here, I want him to fight there too.

I always stare at the sky, wondering if we are looking at the same sky. Of course not, it is the same sky but not the same views. But.. if we are under the same sky, it is enough for me. Keep smiling, honey. Because your smile is my strength.

I keep staring at the moon, begging if he can deliver my feelings to you. I know it can't, because I have to fight for it by myself. Moon are beautiful, yet sad, shining in the dark and deep sky. I wonder if we are seeing the same view of moon. I hope so. I wish for your happiness, always.

*image from Kore wa Zombie desuka (anime). I don't know, I just putting random image from my folder :'(